Scraped A Pass.

It is 1.13 am when I begin writing this post in the dark early morning hours. It's that time when the brain decides it's awake and your mind wants to wander. I can hear the rain pouring down and it's my only comfort, along with the breathing of my sleeping boyfriend who lies beside me. They attempt to distract me from my lonely rambling thoughts.

I had my feedback from the first semester’s assessment yesterday and the three little words that are stuck going round in my mind are 'scraped a pass'... It wasn't news to me, last term was a messy jumble of me teetering about, from one thing to another, not knowing what I wanted from myself. I still don't know, I think.

I’m still putting off reading through their feedback.

I thought I had got somewhere, but I fear I am back at the beginning again. Apparently, I need to challenge myself, put myself out there. I don't think I'm ready for that. I know I'm not ready for that.

Of course I have ideas. Everyone has ideas. It's just the 'getting round to doing them' part I struggle with. I doubt myself and I talk myself out of doing it before I even try. It's a habit, my norm, I've always done that. Why bother when I know someone out there can do it 100 times better than me?

I was told I need to write a list of what if...'s and to do them. The struggle begins again.

I want to paint. I want to paint something that I love. I want to use colour. I want to draw it again and again. I want it to be in my every thought without worrying me who, what, where, when and why!

Maybe my dear elephant skull, but carefree-er…

I want to become obsessed with it. That's what I want.

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest. There is something about putting something up on the internet, that millions of people could see, but I know only a few will read. It’s quite relieving. Most of this writing happened in a tired state, so that is my excuse, I left it until now to post, because I wanted to check for spelling haha! And excuse the picture, I just needed something there. It was an idea, I doubt it will happen though. They won't like it.