Too much to do.

Where do I even begin?

I had my Degree Show proposal today and I had to build this model of the space I would like to use (which in itself was more difficult than I had anticipated). Thankfully, they mainly focused on the fact I want to have an orange floor, rather than what I needed to get done painting-wise. Everyone has such good ideas, I think the final outcome will be awesome all together!

There is so much going round in my head all the time of what I need to do in a matter of weeks. I'm trying not to stress or panic. Instead, I'm getting to the point where I hope if I ignore it it will go away, but of course, no. I can not believe it will all be over soon and I will be out in the real world as they say.

In no particular order, I need to:

• Do at least 4 more paintings
• Figure out the floor
• Make loads more drawings in my sketchbook
• Artist/Exhibition research
• Create a website (with a proper email)
• Getting good images would probably help that
• Finish a better version of my artist statement
• Print business cards/postcards
• Get on LinkedIn
• Sort out all my social networks
• Blog a whole lot more

I expect there is a heap more that I have forgotten, but that will have to do for now... Sigh.

Scraped A Pass.

It is 1.13 am when I begin writing this post in the dark early morning hours. It's that time when the brain decides it's awake and your mind wants to wander. I can hear the rain pouring down and it's my only comfort, along with the breathing of my sleeping boyfriend who lies beside me. They attempt to distract me from my lonely rambling thoughts.

I had my feedback from the first semester’s assessment yesterday and the three little words that are stuck going round in my mind are 'scraped a pass'... It wasn't news to me, last term was a messy jumble of me teetering about, from one thing to another, not knowing what I wanted from myself. I still don't know, I think.

I’m still putting off reading through their feedback.

I thought I had got somewhere, but I fear I am back at the beginning again. Apparently, I need to challenge myself, put myself out there. I don't think I'm ready for that. I know I'm not ready for that.

Of course I have ideas. Everyone has ideas. It's just the 'getting round to doing them' part I struggle with. I doubt myself and I talk myself out of doing it before I even try. It's a habit, my norm, I've always done that. Why bother when I know someone out there can do it 100 times better than me?

I was told I need to write a list of what if...'s and to do them. The struggle begins again.

I want to paint. I want to paint something that I love. I want to use colour. I want to draw it again and again. I want it to be in my every thought without worrying me who, what, where, when and why!

Maybe my dear elephant skull, but carefree-er…

I want to become obsessed with it. That's what I want.

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest. There is something about putting something up on the internet, that millions of people could see, but I know only a few will read. It’s quite relieving. Most of this writing happened in a tired state, so that is my excuse, I left it until now to post, because I wanted to check for spelling haha! And excuse the picture, I just needed something there. It was an idea, I doubt it will happen though. They won't like it.

Coffee Shop.

(Left to right: Roz Gooding, Me and Clive Matthews)

For a while now, I have known that I want to get back into drawing and doodling and things like that, but I've also decided that I want to be like one of those people who regularly go and meet up with friends in a coffee shop to catchup, possibly collaborate and share ideas.

However, there's the issue that I don't like coffee, I know they sell tea and hot chocolate etc, although I always tend to think that it's a coffee shop, you have to have coffee (you may have noticed I'm a tad strange, I know). Another thing is I haven't created any work since putting the little exhibition together we did for our final assessment, not even sketchbook work, which I feel really bad about and I don't know when it'll change.

At the moment I am at an extremely lazy stage, because my course has finished I do not go to the studios anymore. I stay in my room and do the same old things day in and day out. Occasionally, I’ll go for a little walk or shopping, but I seem to have lost myentusiasm. I haven't been outside since the weekend, maybe that has something to do with my lack of willingness to do anything.

I guess my whole 'wanting to be one of those coffee shop people' comes from this new isolation that surrounds me. I miss seeing friends and the working in collaboration that we did. It's strange, I've had too much time to think and it could be making me crazy...